When a woman cheats, it’s usually because her emotional needs are no longer being met—maybe she no longer feels seen or cared for or understood.When a man cheats, it is most often because he feels like a loser in the relationship.He got a real job, he committed to her, he took her on romantic dates, he was happy and alive. The short version of this very long conversation is that while he did love and care for me, being with me made him feel like an even bigger loser.I felt devastated and I beat myself up over it for months. The more I tried to “fix” him, the more damaged he felt. The more I tried to make his life easier, the more comfortable he became with his own misery.He needs to feel like he is “conquering,” like he is significant, like he is having an impact on the world, like his is pursuing his mission in life.Women are typically more driven by the desire to connect and build interpersonal relationships.
I paid for our dates because he couldn’t afford to, I did his laundry (…because he couldn’t afford to), I cleaned his apartment, I fixed his resume, I searched for job listings online and applied to them for him, I kept doing and doing and was baffled as to why he kept sinking deeper into his rut.
Maybe a girl will come along who finds what he does sexy, and she appreciates him for the effort and passion he puts into it.
When he’s with her, he gets all this validation and appreciation for the man he is and the mission he’s on.
I am not saying there is an excuse why he did it, but there is a reason.
And knowing the reason can be therapeutic in a way.